only a human god
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Late at night, Kamui goes to Subaru's room, wanting to ask about his past.


disclaimer: X and TB aren't mine. "One of us" is by Joan Osborne.  
  
only a human god.  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
"Trying to make his way home…"   
  
Subaru was singing quietly to himself as he sat on his bed. In the darkness, only the moonlight shone through. He was smoking with his eyes looking at the ground in a contemplative fashion that could have been mistaken for indifference.  
  
His jacket was hung neatly on a chair and his shoes were neatly put to one side of the room. Everything was in its place and all he wanted to do was sleep.  
  
Seishirou-san was dominating his thoughts again, but that wasn't an unusual thing. He had a one-track mind.  
  
He felt like he was in a train station again (preferably the one where Seishirou and him met after their encounter many years ago in Ueno Park), and he was stuck in some kind of purgatory. He couldn't move forward, but nor could he return to the past.  
  
And if he felt this way, what the hell could Kamui be thinking every day?  
  
He stopped singing.  
  
"People want so much from you, but they don't expect to do anything about it themselves," Subaru said with a serious tone. "Am I one to talk?"   
  
As he was about to smash his cigarette into the ashtray beside him, there was a knock on the door.   
  
"Yes?" he answered politely. It was a reflex that could never be erased.  
  
"Can I come in?" It was Kamui's voice and it didn't sound too good.  
  
"Come in," Subaru simply said as he continued to smash his cigarette into the ashtray.  
  
When Kamui came in, he found Subaru folding his hands in front of him as he leaned forward. He was a bit surprised to see Subaru without his trenchcoat, and on top of that, a black, sleeveless turtleneck.   
  
"Am I bothering you?" he asked as he held a pillow in his hands.  
  
"I look like a little kid," Kamui thought to himself.   
  
Well, after all, he was wearing pajamas too, so maybe Subaru thought he was acting like a small child. Maybe no one was feeling well tonight.   
  
They both wanted to blame it on the gorgeous blue moon and its light.  
  
Subaru just lightly patted on a spot next to him on the bed. Kamui nodded his head and sat there quietly.   
  
He didn't know why he had come to Subaru in the first place, but he didn't feel like asking anyone else. But maybe this was a question that only Subaru could answer.  
  
"I can't go to sleep," Kamui started out saying. "So I thought if I could just talk to you for a while."  
  
Subaru turned his head towards Kamui and nodded. "Yes. I'm an insomniac anyway."  
  
Kamui's eyes looked at the floor and they watched the floor for quite some time. He held onto his pillow not really knowing what to say. Subaru, on the other hand, thought it was funny that Kamui was wearing a pair of pajamas that he himself could have been wearing at that moment if Hokuto were alive.  
  
That smirk didn't go unnoticed by Kamui. "What are you laughing about?"  
  
Opening his eyes a bit wide, Subaru chuckled to himself as he leaned his chin on his palm while looking at Kamui. "I was thinking about my sister. She made me wear those kind of pajamas."  
  
"She did?" Kamui looked at himself and tried to imagine Subaru wearing pajamas like his own at the moment. He began to laugh. "I can't imagine Subaru-san wearing this type of thing."  
  
For a small moment, Subaru's old smile came back to him as he shook his head in nostalgia. "Ah, if you only knew. She made me wear all this outrageous stuff. Quite a shock from what I wear now, huh?"  
  
Kamui nodded as he hesitantly asked while putting his pillow to one side, "I wanted to ask you about her. Your twin sister, I mean."  
  
"Why?" Subaru's guard was on all over again. His playful, happy tone a moment ago shut completely like a door that was slammed shut.   
  
"Because she and Seishirou-san were your important people." Kamui's eyes turned away as he looked from side to side in confusion.   
  
There were so many things he wanted to ask. He wanted to know answers to what he should do and what he should think.  
  
Seeing this, Subaru looked forward and at the wall before him. He was trying to imagine Hokuto's face and figure in front of him, even though she would be stuck in her 16-year-old form forever.  
  
"She was the best Onee-san I could ever have had," Subaru said as he tried to recollect more of his memories while thinking of the many outfits she had on, each with their own memory associated with them. "Sure, she dressed me up in the weirdest outfits. And she always embarrassed the heck out of me whenever she wanted to push Seishirou-san and me to be together. But, Hokuto-chan always thought about me before herself. Until the end, she thought of me."  
  
This made Kamui think about what kind of person Subaru was before the painful memory he had seen when he was in a coma.   
  
Subaru had lost his own sister, but he had lost his best friend and his childhood sweetheart. But what was the difference between Subaru-san and him? Was it because Subaru-san knew what he wanted while he didn't?   
  
Just what was behind that single green eye and the other one that was wrapped in bandages?  
  
"If you want an answer from me, Kamui, I can't give you one," Subaru said as he stood up and went to the window. "That was one thing I always did when I was your age. I thought about if things could have ever been different, but…"  
  
He stopped himself.   
  
"I'll let you figure it out for yourself…" Subaru thought to himself as he turned his head to regard the visage and figure of the one who held the power of the gods.   
  
He walked over to Kamui and took his hand. "Come with me for a while since we're not going to sleep any time soon."  
  
Kamui came along and they jumped around town to land on a quiet sidewalk within Tokyo. Next to one another, they walked around.   
  
"Look around you," Subaru said, reminded of the times that he and Seishirou wandered around Tokyo whenever they would have a 'talk'. Now, it was his turn.   
  
Subaru peered into an alleyway and Kamui saw the homeless people that kept themselves in the darkness. "I once had to exorcise a demon that was harming the residences here. I didn't tell Grandmother about it though."  
  
"You did?" Kamui said with a curious glance while passing by.   
  
The next place they went to, they went to a construction site. They were tearing down a shrine that had been erected to a certain deity. Subaru's eyes became a little squinty, almost showing too much emotion. "What do you think of this?"  
  
Kamui looked at the sight before him. He saw the mounds of dirt and the tons of broken wood that were scattered. "But people need this!"  
  
The green emerald eye glanced back at him with a sorrowful look. "That's what we know, but the more people became 'modernized', they forget about the past. They forgot about who they should really thank and protect.   
  
"I used to cry about this all the time when I was teenager. It made me sad to think that people forgot where they came from and what their ancestors fought so hard for.  
  
"People think money and science can help them, but in the end, they'll turn to someone like me to help them with things they don't want to understand anymore. Ironic, isn't it?"  
  
"Subaru-san…" Kamui mumbled to himself, but Subaru still walked on forward.  
  
In his quiet way, he wanted to show Kamui what he knew about life and tried to teach him things about himself. He wasn't a good talker, but he thought the scene could explain itself more than he could ever have told in a 'talk' back in his room.  
  
Kamui was amazed by all that Subaru was showing him. It wasn't that he hadn't seen these things before, but Subaru was telling a story that couldn't be told with looks alone.  
  
Somehow, in the back of his mind, a little of his tension was eased. Was this all part of the reason he had chosen to become a Dragon of Earth?  
  
Subaru thought about taking him to the places where he used to go, but then he thought that would be too much, so he limited it to three instead. For the last place, he thought he wanted to go to Ueno Park or the hospital where Seishirou's eye was lost, but he decided against it.  
  
What he wanted to tell Kamui was more than death, love, or living…  
  
"There's something more than protecting the people you love, or staying alive and living as best as you can," Subaru said as he stopped at the last place he wanted to show Kamui.  
  
Kamui looked at the plain-looking building before him. He was very confused as he looked at Subaru, who was looking up to the door with a slight smile on his face.   
  
"Where is this exactly?"  
  
"I used to live here," Subaru said as he kept his eyes on his old apartment building.   
  
He was filled with so much emotion that he didn't know what to do. He didn't know whether he should have laughed or cried, but there he stood looking at it with a strong resolve.  
  
"Ah…" Kamui said, trying to understand what Subaru was trying to tell him.   
  
"This was where I made my memories with my Onee-san and Seishirou-san." With glassy eyes, he turned to Kamui with a sad smile as he said, "You wonder how could I have survived all that, and I wonder the same thing about you. But all I have to say is that I wouldn't trade my memories for anything or anyone.  
  
"Yes, I was hurt by someone that I loved so much I would still give everything for that person, even if that person hates me now or won't believe my words. And yes, my other half sacrificed herself for me, but I would do it all over again."  
  
Firmly, he stared into Kamui's eyes with a resolve stronger than anyone would have noticed, "I would do it all over again because it is worth every pain and happiness."  
  
Kamui gazed at Subaru and took a deep breath while trying to take everything in.   
  
They soon went back to Subaru's room and Kamui wanted to cry, but he didn't. "I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to know what exactly I want, but I don't, Subaru-san."  
  
"You don't have to know anything at all." Subaru sat on the bed next to him once more. "It will come with time."   
  
Kamui leaned his head on Subaru's shoulder as he looked up at Subaru hesitantly. "I can't wait for an answer. It's taking so long and I'm running out of time."  
  
Subaru patted his head. "After seeing all that I've shown you, just think about it for a moment, but keep on moving forward. You weren't given this responsibility for nothing. You were chosen for it. And as hard as it is, don't be scared by it.  
  
"You're the Kamui after all."  
  
"Thanks…Subaru-san…" Kamui said as he drifted off to sleep.  
  
"No need to, but you're welcome," he said to the sleeping Kamui. Then, he closed his eyes as he quietly sang to Kamui as if it were a lullaby,  
  
"If God had a name, what would it be  
  
And would you call it to his face  
  
If you were faced with him in all his glory  
  
What would you ask if you had just one question  
  
And yeah yeah God is great   
  
Yeah yeah God is good  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
What if God was one of us  
  
Just a slob like one of us  
  
Just a stranger on the bus  
  
Trying to make his way home  
  
If God had a face what would it look like  
  
And would you want to see  
  
If seeing meant that you would have to believe  
  
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets  
  
And yeah yeah God is great   
  
Yeah yeah god is good  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
What if God was one of us  
  
Just a slob like one of us  
  
Just a stranger on the bus  
  
Trying to make his way home  
  
He's trying to make his way home  
  
Back up to heaven all alone  
  
Nobody calling on the phone  
  
Except for the pope maybe in rome  
  
And yeah yeah God is great   
  
Yeah yeah God is good  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
What if god was one of us  
  
Just a slob like one of us  
  
Just a stranger on the bus  
  
Trying to make his way home  
  
Just trying to make his way home  
  
Like a holy rolling stone  
  
Back up to heaven all alone  
  
Just trying to make his way home  
  
Nobody calling on the phone  
  
Except for the pope maybe in Rome."  
  
He carried Kamui and carefully placed him on his bed, not wanting to give Kamui up at the moment. Putting over the covers over him, he slept beside him and looked at Kamui's sleeping face.  
  
"Yes, you are the Kamui, but people have to understand that you are only human too," Subaru said as he put his arm over Kamui's waist and fell asleep.   
  
After all, even though God destroyed the Earth with a flood, he promised never to do it again. And didn't he make man out of love and his own loneliness?  
  
Kamui was doing the best he could.  
  
And for now, that was good enough.  
  
"I'm sure God doesn't know everything. He's just very forgiving," Subaru said to himself. "But that's just my view, Kamui."  
  
owari.  
  
--  
  
author's note: I had first wanted to finish off Rikoteki na yume, but then I decided against it. I felt that I was just forcing an ending. (I am not stuck on it, but I want to do a good job on its finishing part.) Therefore, I decided to do other fics, but then I thought about starting off the new year with a Kamui fic.   
  
I feel like Clamp has temporarily abandoned X, so I'm missing it very much. And after all these months of contemplation and talking with friends, this is what came out of a moment's notion. I feel that Subaru is there as Kamui's guardian angel, but in addition to that, Subaru adds a depth to Kamui's character unlike any other character in X. Whenever Kamui is with Subaru, a little of the decisive and courageous Kamui comes out. I'm not saying this because Subaru is my favorite character of all time, but when you look at the manga, Kamui is 'himself' and grows each time he talks/interacts with Subaru. Conversely, I wanted to mix Subaru's POV's from TB.  
  
I felt that X was somehow becoming defocused as a whole and that TB had a very important message to give, so I merged them together. (No, I'm not trying to be sexist that God is a He. That's just my view on the subject, so please just understand. ^___^ Thank you.)  
  
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! ^___^ This is my gift to you! 


End file.
